6 random things about me

Sometimes I get the feeling that there are too many things I could write about, and just can't settle on a subject. So for the time being, i'll just follow the current trend :

6 random things about me :

1. I love to sing and write, but am secretly tempted by every "art" out there (even dancing!). I consider myself lucky If I can take the time to draw a picture or go out dancing, but would be amazingly happy if I could make a living off of being creative and just being me.

2. If I won a million dollars (or better yet, a million euros) : I'd buy some houses and use the rest of the money to learn in classes or private lessons whatever subjects interest me (foreign languages, art techniques, learn to play musical instruments (or improve playing technique), learn to make my own jewelry - wood and stone carving, metal working, etc..). Last but not least, I'd travel around the world.

3. Here are some of my nicknames : OLD - (offline) Carrot, Skittles, Carebear, (online) She-demon, Dreamweaver. CURRENT - (offline) Betty Boop, (online) Crystallinecat

4. Things I miss from the USA : Pinto beans, DrPepper, Dill pickles, cheddar, cheese cake, great Hamburgers, Theme restaurants like Claim Jumpers, theme parcs like Raging waters, Disneyland, Six Flags, and of course family and friends.

5. I can't stand country western music

6. I bought a bunch of Seasons Greetings cards, but didn't send any this year

Thinking too much

Each day that passes brings me closer to change. By the end of this month I will be unemployed and free to pursue a new career. This is what I planned for, and this is what I've wanted for years. But for some reason i'm afraid of the change. What if my finances don't improve? And what if my husband loses his job? Will I have enough money and time to visit my family this summer? And what if I buckle under the pressure? Will I still earn the respect I was hoping for? Will I still be loved?

The Chinese say that we will soon enter the year of the Ox. It's not all that surprising - last year felt like a year of psychological and spiritual preparation for change. It's as if the end of the year was building up to hard work to make those changes happen. The Ox is a fitting animal to accompany those efforts.

Over the last 15 years i've been jealous of people that "make it big", always wondering how and why it happened to them and not me. I always thought it was luck. I've only recently understood that I never really got anywhere because it requires lots of hard work and effort. Yesterday I heard the words which struck a chord deep inside of me-"It's not he that has natural talent that lives happily, but he who has a passion and works hard at it from morning to night." It is so true for me - natural talent alone will not bring me happiness. I will use this phrase as a mantra for when I lack motivation or give up hope.

I just hope all this effort will pay off...

Reality poems

Going, Going, Gone (C) 2003

Look into my eyes baby, and tell me what you see.
Don't know where I'm going, can't remember where I've been.
Crumpled letters on my desk - words tormented, food for thought.
Trying to move beyond the ridicule - twisting, turning, writing,
I'm running, I'm falling, falling into the abyss.
Where fairy tales take a strange turn - often for the worse.

Tell yourself you are on vacation,
The medecine turns sweet.
Bitterness becomes a leisure.
And we think that they think we are mentally stable.
We fooled them and they fooled us
And you fooled me. I fooled you in fooling myself.
game of folie - turned me upside down.




Wake-up! (C) 2003

Fleeing reality: it's so easy;
Close our eyes and you will see - the Alternative.

Beautiful dreams so real
It'll make you feel, make you feel...
Nightmares, hate and fear -
Food for thought, and they've got every flavor here.

Proof you've got imagination
so reassuring, reassuring...
Maybe you're special after all
How'd life manage to make you feel so small?

Open your eyes and you will see
That all you ever thought, all you ever dreamed
All you ever wanted, all you'll ever need
Is right here- here before your eyes.

I'll define my own reality,
I'll decide who my best friends will be
I'll choose my own worthy obstacles
And if I fail, I can always:

Open my eyes, wake-up
And start all over again.

Short poems

When i'm feeling especially creative I carry a small notebook with me. I jot down whatever comes to mind, and I generally fill its pages with story ideas, character descriptions, song lyrics, short poems and random ideas. The poems and random ideas are usually too short to publish, so I thought it might be fun to post a small collection. These were written between 2002 and 2004 (during my divorce periode) so they are relatively "dark".










-Tunisia-
Le Soleil nous embrassait
La lune nous sourriait
l'Orage nous emportait
et le feu... brulait nos corps.







-What is a tear anyways? A tight cluster of dreams and fears intertwining.






I am invisible, yet I am here.
I wave and I smile at you, yes I am here.
I kiss and embrace you,
make love with you facing me
I am here.
Are you?




I am like a flower, wilting away.
Beauty ceases upon the picking-
Life drains away.

Flowers need sunlight
Flowers need rain
I won't be your flower
Behind curtain and window pane.





- Respect is something that is given, not taken.





Thought I heard your voice
Thought I heard your name
Thought I saw your silhouette,
out there in the rain.










A mass of swirling mist
My mind an echo chamber
now silent
The volume is too loud -
how the silence kills.







I'll just keep this mouth of mine shut
Escaping thoughts show signs of weakness.
What they know hurts them.
Let them see the worst so that they can
expect the best.




Everybody's fight'n ya know baby,
We're all holdin' our heads up high
It ain't a question of pride ya know baby -
just keepin' our heads above the tide.








I found my voice the other day.
Whispers have given way to self-confidence
and a smile : knowing that the life I live is truly mine.